Back to work

Chris has been back to work for awhile now but I had some time off originally for maternity leave.  When Austin died I was in no rush to get back to it; Also it is Kaylee's summer break and we had planned vacations so I stayed away.  I have been contemplating changing units because I didn't know if I could handle going back to work with new moms and babies but have not found a new job that I thought would make me happy. 
I called my mom on the way in and of course was crying.  I made it to the parking lot and through the doors teary eyed but ok, until I saw a friend who is going back to school.  As she hugged me and wished me luck I broke down.  I wasn't sure I would maintain my composer throughout the night but I survived.  I had 4 very nice couplets 1 being a co-worker.  Crystal stayed another night to try to get some rest so I took MaKayla and held her for awhile.  She is so cute and loves to be held ;)   around 5 I walked down to the NICU, the last time I was here I was bringing Austin home so I knew I would be emotional but wanted to see if someone was working.  She was a colleague before I delivered Austin but became a friend while he was in NICU.  She was gone and as other came to see how I was doing I began to cry again.  I am not embarrassed or ashamed to cry anymore so I just let it come.  I know it is "normal" and I want people to know that even though I am going through the motions, I am still mourning the loss of my baby.  People continue to comment on how strong and inspirational I am but I'm just trying to adjust to this new life.  Chris and I were so ready to have Austin home with us and start our extended family.  He brought so much joy to our lives in such a short time, we miss him dearly.  I left work this morning and am still unsure of staying in postpartum or transferring but all I can do is go through the motions...