Advocare day 1

So on top of losing my baby, I have a c/s scar and retained the weight from my pregnancy.  Time for change so I am doing the 24 day challenge from advocare.  I have been watching my calories for the past few weeks and lost a couple of pounds but just I am ready to be in better shape and lose the rest of this extra bulge on my body.  Wish me luck!

3 years!

Today Chris and I have been together for 3 years; We have definitely had our ups and downs; but we are very great full for each other and the never ending support we need from one another. We had previously met and talked but on Sept 13, 2008 we had our first date. Chris took me to Wild River Grille and we had the usual first date "talk" but it was different. We clicked! After we walked down by the river and listened to a group that was playing. We had a beer at the Tap House and were enthralled in each others company. We were not ready for the night to end so we walked to Harrah's outdoor theater and listed to more bands. We ended the night with a perfect kiss and our fate was sealed. Together forever! :)

Working postpartum

Tonight was hard.  For the most part I have been ok at work.  Some nights are definitely harder then others.  For instance tonight I had to take a pt to NICU.  She was giving the baby up for adoption.  I mustard up the courage because I don't like going down there but we were busy and I just took her.  I bawled the entire way back to the floor.  I just don't understand how God can let some people who 1. don't want babies 2. don't care about there babies 3. mistreat there babies and get to have more or continue to be bad moms.  Unfortunately I see this way too much.  I loved my job but it is getting harder to be here and not have anything to look forward too.  Almost every night I'm here someone asks how my baby is and I have to tell them he passed away and try to maintain my composure.  I really need some positive vibes from God and i'm getting frustrated waiting...

And the answer is...

Today I met with Dr. Clark who is the medical examiner that performed Austin's autopsy. Basically she had no more answers then the day he died as to why Austin left us. She can't say Austin suffocated but also has no conclusion as to why he died. It was horrible sitting in the room talking about Austin's death knowing I still have NO answers. We also went over the photos taken per my request. It may sound morbid but I have very few pictures of Austin without tubes and stuff on his face, I was hoping for something to make me understand but got no where. Thankfully Danielle came with me because Chris couldn't mentally take it. I am SO frustrated and just want to know why God thought Austin couldn't stay with me...