normalcy?

Chris and I have suffered a lot this year but our marriage is very important to us and try very hard to have date nights to keep the fire in our relationship strong! Last night we took advantage of our "free time" and had dinner (qudoba, my new fav. craving) and a movie (New years eve). Chris and I are optimistic for 2012 even though he was bored to death at the movie ;) I love this quote from the movie
"...It's suspended there to remind us before we pop the champagne and celebrate the new year, to stop and reflect on the year that has gone by. To remember both our triumphs and our missteps, our promises made and broken. The times we opened ourselves up to great adventures or closed ourselves down for fear of getting hurt cuz that is what new years is all about- getting another chance. A chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more. And stop worrying about what if and start embracing what would be. So when that ball drops at midnight and it will drop, let's remember to be nice to each other, kind to each other. And not just tonight but all year long"
Here is to remembering Austin and the time we got to spend with him but we can't dwell that he isn't here. We must live our lives and always remember our little dude! xoxo love MOM

holiday greetings

Happy Holidays, from the Hawks! This year has definitely been trying but not only on us. We lost Chris' g-ma Campbell, birthed Austin 7 weeks early, lost Austin, Joplin Mo had a tornado, there was an Amtrak train crash, I-Hop shooting, air race crash, my boss found a brain tumor, co-worker has to have surgery for potential thyroid cancer, and on and on! Needless to say I am counting down the days until this horrible year is over! We hopeful 2012 will bless us with a healthy child who plans to stay around with us for our lives, so Chris and I can be grandparents and Kaylee has a little to "raise!" She longs to be a mother to someone. So cheers to the end of 2011, bring on peace, love, happiness and 2012.

A dose of winter...in Iowa

Like it or not the lives around me continue. This weekend I traveled to Iowa for many reasons. Originally I was going to meet my nephew for the first time and see my family.

Then it dawned on me that my first niece Hannah was turning 11...wow talk about flashback! I remember driving (in a blizzard) to see Hannah in the hospital the day she was born 12/10/00. Also I won't be able to see my family for Christmas so this was my time. Chris just started a new job so he couldn't go and Kaylee was in school so solo I flew (Thanks mom for flight benefits!) I got in Thursday night and to my surprise my brother Scott was there!

He came home before being sent away to Dubai as a surprise for our family. His son is adorable and they are happy to be expecting a little, fingers crossed for a girl, in June.

It was nice to spend time with my family but there is no place like home, with my family. xoxo to my Hawks Chris & Kaylee

Thanksgiving

Today is a hard day, I would love to be writing that Austin is doing...(insert cute thing here) but instead we are missing our baby. Our 7 month angel blessed us with his presence this year and for that we are VERY thankful. We have pictures, videos and memories that will forever be cherished but we miss him! I miss his smell, smile and even his cry. So this Thanksgiving we want to give thanks for our support system, our family and friends. We couldn't have survived this day/year! RIP Austin XOXO,
love Mom, Dad & Kaylee

Pregnancy & Infant loss day

Today is a day of many emotions.  5 months ago I lost the most precious gift in my world.  I have been asked to speak @ Fianna's healing garden at Renown.  I was very nervous I wouldn't be able to speak without blubbering but I did ok.  I was shaking from nerves.  Here is my speech:

In anticipation for a new baby, many mothers start the "planning."  Everything from our ideal gender, name, clothes, to profession WE think they should be as adults.  Unfortunately, we are all here because we never got that far.  Some of us lost babies before they were born, others like myself, got to hold our babies for a short time.  My name is Jackie and I lost Austin 28 short days after he was born.  He was my first child and my husbands first son.  He was our precious baby that left us far too early.  As parents when anticipating our new child we dream big and hope for the best, but as parents here today our dreams were stolen by a horrible nightmare.  We feel cheated, robbed and are left in disbelief that this child we planned our lives with is no longer here with us.  No one can ever know what we are feeling unless you have walked in our shoes.  I feel that even losing a baby before he/she is born is different then losing my son after I got to spend the time I did with him.  I got to know his smile, his cry and his smell.  I often wonder would it hurt less if I didn't know these things?  Then I picture the distraught mother who was jipped of that smile and smell.   The truth is we don't know why or how this could happen to any of us but this is the hand we have been dealt and now we must "adjust"  I say this term loosely because I don't know that any of us move on, we learn to live without the child we so desperately wanted.  If you are here today with us then you have personally gone through our rough journey as a support person or know our pain.  To that I say thank you, for supporting us and remembering our angel who left too early.  If you have not personally had to deal with this loss but are a support system you need to know how important you are.  When we lost Austin the most common response we heard was "please let me know what I can do for you."  Unfortunately in our time of grief we don't know what to think let alone how to function.  The best gestures received were the people who just did things to make us feel better.  Bringing us food so we didn't have to cook.  Making our bed so we could just sit and cry.  But the BEST therapy we could have been asked was to talk about our child.  What was Austin like?  How do you remember Austin? To that I'm sure I would have broke down in tears, but I would have remembered the monkey hat he wore most of his life.  I would have showed you the video of him watching the room with his eye while making an "O" with his lips.  I would have told you our son wailed when he was upset and to us he was the most precious baby.  Our babies may have gone far earlier then time we wanted them too, but we are thankful you are here to remember them with us today.  Thank you for letting me talk about our son, Austin Eugene Hawks who grew his wings 5 months ago on May 15, 2011  RIP <3 mom!

So upset

Today is a very hard day for me.  As I was getting ready to leave work I realized that Chris's cousin Craig and his gf Amy were going to have there baby.  At first I was very excited, Craig and I had talked about Austin and Craig (Jr.) growing up together.  Craig is a NY fan and I am a Boston fan so our baseball rivalry had also been talked about.  I posted on facebook "God, I just don't understand you!  Austin should be here to welcome his cousin."  This is how I feel for most things but I was trying to express my happiness and depression at the same time.
Later on in the day I saw that baby Craig was born and he was cute.  This made me miss Austin more, I was envious of what I missed and miss everyday! 
Then someone had the audacity to post, "Get over it Jackie, you can have another one"  EXCUSE ME, even if/when Chris and I have another child we will forever be missing our son, he is irreplaceable!  That was one of the rudest, most hurtful comments I have had to encounter during this nightmare.  I am LIVID.  I don't even know what else to say.  I am so happy for Amy & Craig but heart truly breaks for Austin, Chris and myself.  I feel so robbed.  So again, God, I DON'T understand you :(

Advocare day 1

So on top of losing my baby, I have a c/s scar and retained the weight from my pregnancy.  Time for change so I am doing the 24 day challenge from advocare.  I have been watching my calories for the past few weeks and lost a couple of pounds but just I am ready to be in better shape and lose the rest of this extra bulge on my body.  Wish me luck!

3 years!

Today Chris and I have been together for 3 years; We have definitely had our ups and downs; but we are very great full for each other and the never ending support we need from one another. We had previously met and talked but on Sept 13, 2008 we had our first date. Chris took me to Wild River Grille and we had the usual first date "talk" but it was different. We clicked! After we walked down by the river and listened to a group that was playing. We had a beer at the Tap House and were enthralled in each others company. We were not ready for the night to end so we walked to Harrah's outdoor theater and listed to more bands. We ended the night with a perfect kiss and our fate was sealed. Together forever! :)

Working postpartum

Tonight was hard.  For the most part I have been ok at work.  Some nights are definitely harder then others.  For instance tonight I had to take a pt to NICU.  She was giving the baby up for adoption.  I mustard up the courage because I don't like going down there but we were busy and I just took her.  I bawled the entire way back to the floor.  I just don't understand how God can let some people who 1. don't want babies 2. don't care about there babies 3. mistreat there babies and get to have more or continue to be bad moms.  Unfortunately I see this way too much.  I loved my job but it is getting harder to be here and not have anything to look forward too.  Almost every night I'm here someone asks how my baby is and I have to tell them he passed away and try to maintain my composure.  I really need some positive vibes from God and i'm getting frustrated waiting...

And the answer is...

Today I met with Dr. Clark who is the medical examiner that performed Austin's autopsy. Basically she had no more answers then the day he died as to why Austin left us. She can't say Austin suffocated but also has no conclusion as to why he died. It was horrible sitting in the room talking about Austin's death knowing I still have NO answers. We also went over the photos taken per my request. It may sound morbid but I have very few pictures of Austin without tubes and stuff on his face, I was hoping for something to make me understand but got no where. Thankfully Danielle came with me because Chris couldn't mentally take it. I am SO frustrated and just want to know why God thought Austin couldn't stay with me...

Back to work

Chris has been back to work for awhile now but I had some time off originally for maternity leave.  When Austin died I was in no rush to get back to it; Also it is Kaylee's summer break and we had planned vacations so I stayed away.  I have been contemplating changing units because I didn't know if I could handle going back to work with new moms and babies but have not found a new job that I thought would make me happy. 
I called my mom on the way in and of course was crying.  I made it to the parking lot and through the doors teary eyed but ok, until I saw a friend who is going back to school.  As she hugged me and wished me luck I broke down.  I wasn't sure I would maintain my composer throughout the night but I survived.  I had 4 very nice couplets 1 being a co-worker.  Crystal stayed another night to try to get some rest so I took MaKayla and held her for awhile.  She is so cute and loves to be held ;)   around 5 I walked down to the NICU, the last time I was here I was bringing Austin home so I knew I would be emotional but wanted to see if someone was working.  She was a colleague before I delivered Austin but became a friend while he was in NICU.  She was gone and as other came to see how I was doing I began to cry again.  I am not embarrassed or ashamed to cry anymore so I just let it come.  I know it is "normal" and I want people to know that even though I am going through the motions, I am still mourning the loss of my baby.  People continue to comment on how strong and inspirational I am but I'm just trying to adjust to this new life.  Chris and I were so ready to have Austin home with us and start our extended family.  He brought so much joy to our lives in such a short time, we miss him dearly.  I left work this morning and am still unsure of staying in postpartum or transferring but all I can do is go through the motions...

Let's play ball!

On Tuesday night Chris took me out to watch the Reno Aces (AAA team for the Diamondbacks).  This was our last date night before I return to work for the first time since Austin's death.  We sat at the restaurante that overlooks the ball park and enjoyed each other, beer and watching the Aces demolish the Fresno Grizzles (AAA team for the Giants).

Here are the goofy pictures we took while watching the game

Downiville expedition

Chris organized a downhill mt. biking trip to Downiville so on Friday night we drove up to Ca to start our weekend.  Matt & Ken joined us for a fun camping weekend.  On Saturday the boys started while Kaylee and I hung out at camp with the dogs.  We met the boys us in Downiville at the river for pizza and beer after there long ride.  Macy had a great time camping and swimming in the river.  She would swim and play fetch all day if we let her. 

 Ken and his dog DJ had a blast.  Ken got to hear ALL of Kaylee's crazy stories (she loves writing stories) and was a trooper with her.

 Chris and Kaylee showered me with kisses :)

 After a long day we roasted marshmallows.  Matt was excited to cook the perfect mellow.   Kaylee just loves to eat anything sweet like her dad!

Wedding/tattoo weekend

One of Chris's childhood friends (Mitch) invited us to celebrate his day. We enjoyed our afternoon/evening dancing and catching up with Chris's friends.  Kaylee couldn't stop staring at Lydia (Bride) and telling me how pretty she was ;)

On Sunday Chris and I FINALLY got our tattoos in remembernce of Austin

We both agree the pain was/is worth remembering our son everyday.

Viva South Dakota

And so the roadtrip begins, driving through the great states of Nevada, Utah, Wyoming and finally to South Dakota.  We left Thursday morning (6/30) and stayed in Green River Wyoming.  The Friday night we finally got out of the car in Custer SD.  My aunt & uncle we gracious enough to host us for the trip and wined and dined us :)

On Saturday we traveled to Spearfish SD for my 10 year high school reunion.  Afterwards we rode our bikes from the park to the fish hatchery.

On Sunday we hiked through Spearfish Canyon to bridalveil falls.  We let Kaylee say a prayer and spread some of Austins ashes at the base of the waterfall.  

 

After we hiked to devils bathtub where Chris and Kaylee took a swim and even slid down the natural water slide   The water was freezing but after our hike it was refreshing to get in.

On Monday (7/4) we went to Mt. Rushmore.  The heat was on so we didn't stay as long as we wanted to but it was fun for Kaylee and Chris to get to see this national monument.  Of course as soon as we got back to Custer it started to pour on and off cooling the temp. down. 

We PROMISED Kaylee we would take her to Flintstones park so even though it was raining she insisted we go! There was a Mt. Rockmore so we had her re-enact her earlier pose ;) She got to meet Fred & Barney, see the homes and town of Bedrock and take a train ride. She had a blast and it was fun too!

Chris and I enjoying the train ride...hiding from the rain ;)

After a long day we made it back to enjoy a bbq and drinks with my family.  On Tuesday (7/5) we headed back home.  We stopped in Green River again on the way home and met up with some of my family before getting back to Reno late Wednesday night.  It was a great trip but bittersweet.  The original plan was to bring Austin to SD to meet all of my family, and even though this didn't happen a part of Austin was left in SD.