Squaw bike ride

It's no secret, I am not a fan of Sunday's!  I don't sleep well Saturday night/Sunday morning and given 6 weeks ago we lost our son Chris tries to keep me busy.  I do believe in God and prior to Austins demise I would drag him to church, now I have no desire to go and praise God.  I am pissed at him.  He took the most precious baby boy and I have no nice things to say to him.  I DO believe Austin is in heaven and God is taking care of him but I don't understand why he couldn't stay and let me be his mom!  This infuriates me.  I know what I did (falling asleep with Austin in my bed) is why Austin died but ultimately if he was gonna go God was going to take him no matter where I put him or what I did.  I'm still PISSED!  Ok back to our day...

Chris and I drove to Squaw Valley CA to take a  bike ride.  This is where the winter Olympics were held and it's a perfect place to hop on the bike trail and take a ride.

We stopped along the river to dip our toes and take a picture.

This is a picture of Lake Tahoe in Tahoe City.  We went to the edge of the rocks and scattered some of Austin's ashes.  I like to think Austin would have like to be outside and although the water is freezing I'm sure someday he would have enjoyed being here.

Chris standing on the rocks of Lake Tahoe

After lunch there was a butterfly by my bike tire.  He wasn't hurt and let me pick him up so I placed him in the flowers.  I hope Austin was saying hi ;)

We rode approx 9 miles (which I was proud of myself) then we went and had a beer in Squaw Valley before returning home to a quiet evening on the patio.  I am not healed and I have not "moved on" I am just adjusting to my life without my baby boy.  I miss him dearly and every Sunday I hope to wake up from this nightmare and start Sunday May 15th over.  If "if's & but's" were candies and nuts, it would be Christmas everyday! So this is my life and I'm living it how I think Austin would want....

Aunt Anna

So to top off my year, God has taken another one too soon!  On Sunday night my Aunt Anna passed away after fighting cancer since Nov '09.  She was my moms older sister and the mother of two earth boys and an angel.  When she found out about Austin's death she relived the death of her baby boy Brian all over.  We have always had a good relationship but this brought us closer unfortunately   Because she has been battling her illness she was too tired and sick to come for Austin's funeral.  She got her family together and in Michigan they had a little service at the cemetery   A month to the day we buried our son my Aunt passed.  She held on last week to turn 62 and be at her sons 30th birthday.  On Sunday June 19th she left us. On Thursday I headed to Michigan to be with my moms family.  On Friday there was a service to lay Anna to rest.  She is buried close to her son, sister and my grandparents.

This picture of my Aunt, myself and mom was taken at our wedding in May '10

My mom's side of the family.

The only thing that gives me comfort in all of this is knowing my sweet baby boy has someone else in heaven taking care of him.  RIP Anna Yamarino, kiss my angel Austin

Kaylee's birthday events

We had a busy week celebrating Kaylee. On Wednesday we went to wild island for the day...we had a great time and the weather was perfect. Chris took the day off and the lines weren't too long so we got to ride tons of slides.  Chris and I were relaxing while Ashley was dragged around by Kaylee.  Ashley even invited Kaylee over for a sleepover so Chris and I could have a date night.  We enjoyed sushi and fell asleep by 9, we were SO tired.

On Thursday (Kaylee's b-day) we went to lunch with Cindy after I picked her up from Ashley's   We gave Kaylee her present early and took a bike ride before Chris came home from work and we headed to the rodeo.

 
 After the rodeo Kaylee LOVES to ride the super shot, her face is always priceless after the ride but my phone wasn't co-operating!

On Saturday we had a pool party with family and some friends. The weather was perfect but the wind and the cold pool made for some chilly kids!

 
 Austin, Chris, Kaylee                                   "Happy Fathers Day
We hope today
is fun you'ra
Grump every
butty
knows"
(grumpy face)  Kaylee's fathers day card to Chris

Sunday we took a family bike ride around the marina.  Kaylee enjoyed her new bike, helmet, camel pack and sunglasses she got for her birthday. 

Fathers day ended at Gary & Donna's for a fathers day bbq.  Chris and I have decided we are going to get tattoo's in remembrance of Austin but we have to wait until July 10th. 

White water rafting

4 weeks ago Austin left us and I think it will take me a long time before I like Sundays again because right now I HATE them.  Chris, Kaylee and I went with our friends Ashley and David to Markleeville California to white water raft.  Chris and I have been before but this was Kaylee's first time.  She LOVED it, well except the getting wet part.   The water was FREEZING and the river was ripping (fast and full) but we had a blast.  Half way down we stopped at the hot springs to have lunch but they weren't kidding when they said HOT springs, it was too hot to get into.   As we were eating lunch we were told this truck tried to cross the river (dumb idea) and got stuck.  Seriously a new Ford F350 was left there for whom ever could get it out.

After lunch Chris said a prayer and we spread some of Austins ashes.  I find comfort in having his ashes with us because then he is still "with me"  I miss him more then words can describe and get frustrated when people ask me if I'm moving on?  NO I am adjusting to the life I have now been given without my son :(

saying goodbye

Tonight Ashley (a photographer for now I lay me down to sleep) brought over the pics she took for us.  This was the hardest photo session I have ever been in for obvious reasons but also because this doesn't look like my son.  I know it is Austin but following his embalmment he was "full" of fluid and it filled him out.   There isn't much to say...

The 6 week check up

I finally went to see my Dr. (a week late due to my Iowa trip) I had seen him at 2 weeks when Austin was in the NICU so when I made my appointment I was EXCITED (weird right) to come back for my 6 week check up and show off my son...well obviously this didn't happen! 3.5 weeks ago I lost my son. The autopsy still isn't back and no matter how many times I am told not to blame myself I do! I SHOULD have known better. He was little, born premature and still getting used to breastfeeding. What was I thinking, well the problem is I wasn't! I was tired from sleeping for only 3 hours all night, being selfish not wanting my hubby to spend time with him and being lazy not wanting to pump. I layed down on my right side, got Austin on the breast and fell asleep....

So back to my appointment, Imagine that my BP was elevated! Then while we were talking he casually says "Best to wait a year before getting pregnate again" doesn't he know all I want right now is my baby! I go back an forth wanting to rush and try again or "recover." But the fact that I now have been told to wait infuriates me. I don't know that waiting is the best thing for me emotionally. Physically I'm sure that is the best thing for me but at this point what to do I listen to my body or my heart. I am frusterated as I try to wait for my body and mind to catch up with my heart! I am devestated that I did this to myself. Before I lost my son I was a strong christian! I believed everything happens for a reason and that everything will work out. Austin's death has shaken my faith, beliefes and mostly my trust in God...

Today Ashley gave me a gift, she made impressions of Austins hands and feet following his death.

Iowa get away

Hannah & Kara

Carla, Abby & Christa

Christa, Abby & Carla

Christa & Carla

After all that has happened I needed to get away and spend some time with my family. I traveled to Iowa for some down time. I spent time with my nieces and nephew who are all growing SO fast. They are all excited to show they are almost or are taller then me which doesn't take much!

Yesterday was Austin's due date.  I hoped I would wake up and this would all be a horrible nightmare.  I would be in my bed and could redo everything thing differently on Sunday May 15th.  I would have woke Chris up, I would have pumped or set my cell phone alarm or gone into Austin's room to feed him.  I will forever life with the "what ifs"