The 6 week check up

I finally went to see my Dr. (a week late due to my Iowa trip) I had seen him at 2 weeks when Austin was in the NICU so when I made my appointment I was EXCITED (weird right) to come back for my 6 week check up and show off my son...well obviously this didn't happen! 3.5 weeks ago I lost my son. The autopsy still isn't back and no matter how many times I am told not to blame myself I do! I SHOULD have known better. He was little, born premature and still getting used to breastfeeding. What was I thinking, well the problem is I wasn't! I was tired from sleeping for only 3 hours all night, being selfish not wanting my hubby to spend time with him and being lazy not wanting to pump. I layed down on my right side, got Austin on the breast and fell asleep....

So back to my appointment, Imagine that my BP was elevated! Then while we were talking he casually says "Best to wait a year before getting pregnate again" doesn't he know all I want right now is my baby! I go back an forth wanting to rush and try again or "recover." But the fact that I now have been told to wait infuriates me. I don't know that waiting is the best thing for me emotionally. Physically I'm sure that is the best thing for me but at this point what to do I listen to my body or my heart. I am frusterated as I try to wait for my body and mind to catch up with my heart! I am devestated that I did this to myself. Before I lost my son I was a strong christian! I believed everything happens for a reason and that everything will work out. Austin's death has shaken my faith, beliefes and mostly my trust in God...

Today Ashley gave me a gift, she made impressions of Austins hands and feet following his death.