Squaw bike ride

It's no secret, I am not a fan of Sunday's!  I don't sleep well Saturday night/Sunday morning and given 6 weeks ago we lost our son Chris tries to keep me busy.  I do believe in God and prior to Austins demise I would drag him to church, now I have no desire to go and praise God.  I am pissed at him.  He took the most precious baby boy and I have no nice things to say to him.  I DO believe Austin is in heaven and God is taking care of him but I don't understand why he couldn't stay and let me be his mom!  This infuriates me.  I know what I did (falling asleep with Austin in my bed) is why Austin died but ultimately if he was gonna go God was going to take him no matter where I put him or what I did.  I'm still PISSED!  Ok back to our day...

Chris and I drove to Squaw Valley CA to take a  bike ride.  This is where the winter Olympics were held and it's a perfect place to hop on the bike trail and take a ride.

We stopped along the river to dip our toes and take a picture.

This is a picture of Lake Tahoe in Tahoe City.  We went to the edge of the rocks and scattered some of Austin's ashes.  I like to think Austin would have like to be outside and although the water is freezing I'm sure someday he would have enjoyed being here.

Chris standing on the rocks of Lake Tahoe

After lunch there was a butterfly by my bike tire.  He wasn't hurt and let me pick him up so I placed him in the flowers.  I hope Austin was saying hi ;)

We rode approx 9 miles (which I was proud of myself) then we went and had a beer in Squaw Valley before returning home to a quiet evening on the patio.  I am not healed and I have not "moved on" I am just adjusting to my life without my baby boy.  I miss him dearly and every Sunday I hope to wake up from this nightmare and start Sunday May 15th over.  If "if's & but's" were candies and nuts, it would be Christmas everyday! So this is my life and I'm living it how I think Austin would want....