Back to work

Chris has been back to work for awhile now but I had some time off originally for maternity leave.  When Austin died I was in no rush to get back to it; Also it is Kaylee's summer break and we had planned vacations so I stayed away.  I have been contemplating changing units because I didn't know if I could handle going back to work with new moms and babies but have not found a new job that I thought would make me happy. 
I called my mom on the way in and of course was crying.  I made it to the parking lot and through the doors teary eyed but ok, until I saw a friend who is going back to school.  As she hugged me and wished me luck I broke down.  I wasn't sure I would maintain my composer throughout the night but I survived.  I had 4 very nice couplets 1 being a co-worker.  Crystal stayed another night to try to get some rest so I took MaKayla and held her for awhile.  She is so cute and loves to be held ;)   around 5 I walked down to the NICU, the last time I was here I was bringing Austin home so I knew I would be emotional but wanted to see if someone was working.  She was a colleague before I delivered Austin but became a friend while he was in NICU.  She was gone and as other came to see how I was doing I began to cry again.  I am not embarrassed or ashamed to cry anymore so I just let it come.  I know it is "normal" and I want people to know that even though I am going through the motions, I am still mourning the loss of my baby.  People continue to comment on how strong and inspirational I am but I'm just trying to adjust to this new life.  Chris and I were so ready to have Austin home with us and start our extended family.  He brought so much joy to our lives in such a short time, we miss him dearly.  I left work this morning and am still unsure of staying in postpartum or transferring but all I can do is go through the motions...

Let's play ball!

On Tuesday night Chris took me out to watch the Reno Aces (AAA team for the Diamondbacks).  This was our last date night before I return to work for the first time since Austin's death.  We sat at the restaurante that overlooks the ball park and enjoyed each other, beer and watching the Aces demolish the Fresno Grizzles (AAA team for the Giants).

Here are the goofy pictures we took while watching the game

Downiville expedition

Chris organized a downhill mt. biking trip to Downiville so on Friday night we drove up to Ca to start our weekend.  Matt & Ken joined us for a fun camping weekend.  On Saturday the boys started while Kaylee and I hung out at camp with the dogs.  We met the boys us in Downiville at the river for pizza and beer after there long ride.  Macy had a great time camping and swimming in the river.  She would swim and play fetch all day if we let her. 

 Ken and his dog DJ had a blast.  Ken got to hear ALL of Kaylee's crazy stories (she loves writing stories) and was a trooper with her.

 Chris and Kaylee showered me with kisses :)

 After a long day we roasted marshmallows.  Matt was excited to cook the perfect mellow.   Kaylee just loves to eat anything sweet like her dad!

Wedding/tattoo weekend

One of Chris's childhood friends (Mitch) invited us to celebrate his day. We enjoyed our afternoon/evening dancing and catching up with Chris's friends.  Kaylee couldn't stop staring at Lydia (Bride) and telling me how pretty she was ;)

On Sunday Chris and I FINALLY got our tattoos in remembernce of Austin

We both agree the pain was/is worth remembering our son everyday.

Viva South Dakota

And so the roadtrip begins, driving through the great states of Nevada, Utah, Wyoming and finally to South Dakota.  We left Thursday morning (6/30) and stayed in Green River Wyoming.  The Friday night we finally got out of the car in Custer SD.  My aunt & uncle we gracious enough to host us for the trip and wined and dined us :)

On Saturday we traveled to Spearfish SD for my 10 year high school reunion.  Afterwards we rode our bikes from the park to the fish hatchery.

On Sunday we hiked through Spearfish Canyon to bridalveil falls.  We let Kaylee say a prayer and spread some of Austins ashes at the base of the waterfall.  

 

After we hiked to devils bathtub where Chris and Kaylee took a swim and even slid down the natural water slide   The water was freezing but after our hike it was refreshing to get in.

On Monday (7/4) we went to Mt. Rushmore.  The heat was on so we didn't stay as long as we wanted to but it was fun for Kaylee and Chris to get to see this national monument.  Of course as soon as we got back to Custer it started to pour on and off cooling the temp. down. 

We PROMISED Kaylee we would take her to Flintstones park so even though it was raining she insisted we go! There was a Mt. Rockmore so we had her re-enact her earlier pose ;) She got to meet Fred & Barney, see the homes and town of Bedrock and take a train ride. She had a blast and it was fun too!

Chris and I enjoying the train ride...hiding from the rain ;)

After a long day we made it back to enjoy a bbq and drinks with my family.  On Tuesday (7/5) we headed back home.  We stopped in Green River again on the way home and met up with some of my family before getting back to Reno late Wednesday night.  It was a great trip but bittersweet.  The original plan was to bring Austin to SD to meet all of my family, and even though this didn't happen a part of Austin was left in SD.



Squaw bike ride

It's no secret, I am not a fan of Sunday's!  I don't sleep well Saturday night/Sunday morning and given 6 weeks ago we lost our son Chris tries to keep me busy.  I do believe in God and prior to Austins demise I would drag him to church, now I have no desire to go and praise God.  I am pissed at him.  He took the most precious baby boy and I have no nice things to say to him.  I DO believe Austin is in heaven and God is taking care of him but I don't understand why he couldn't stay and let me be his mom!  This infuriates me.  I know what I did (falling asleep with Austin in my bed) is why Austin died but ultimately if he was gonna go God was going to take him no matter where I put him or what I did.  I'm still PISSED!  Ok back to our day...

Chris and I drove to Squaw Valley CA to take a  bike ride.  This is where the winter Olympics were held and it's a perfect place to hop on the bike trail and take a ride.

We stopped along the river to dip our toes and take a picture.

This is a picture of Lake Tahoe in Tahoe City.  We went to the edge of the rocks and scattered some of Austin's ashes.  I like to think Austin would have like to be outside and although the water is freezing I'm sure someday he would have enjoyed being here.

Chris standing on the rocks of Lake Tahoe

After lunch there was a butterfly by my bike tire.  He wasn't hurt and let me pick him up so I placed him in the flowers.  I hope Austin was saying hi ;)

We rode approx 9 miles (which I was proud of myself) then we went and had a beer in Squaw Valley before returning home to a quiet evening on the patio.  I am not healed and I have not "moved on" I am just adjusting to my life without my baby boy.  I miss him dearly and every Sunday I hope to wake up from this nightmare and start Sunday May 15th over.  If "if's & but's" were candies and nuts, it would be Christmas everyday! So this is my life and I'm living it how I think Austin would want....

Aunt Anna

So to top off my year, God has taken another one too soon!  On Sunday night my Aunt Anna passed away after fighting cancer since Nov '09.  She was my moms older sister and the mother of two earth boys and an angel.  When she found out about Austin's death she relived the death of her baby boy Brian all over.  We have always had a good relationship but this brought us closer unfortunately   Because she has been battling her illness she was too tired and sick to come for Austin's funeral.  She got her family together and in Michigan they had a little service at the cemetery   A month to the day we buried our son my Aunt passed.  She held on last week to turn 62 and be at her sons 30th birthday.  On Sunday June 19th she left us. On Thursday I headed to Michigan to be with my moms family.  On Friday there was a service to lay Anna to rest.  She is buried close to her son, sister and my grandparents.

This picture of my Aunt, myself and mom was taken at our wedding in May '10

My mom's side of the family.

The only thing that gives me comfort in all of this is knowing my sweet baby boy has someone else in heaven taking care of him.  RIP Anna Yamarino, kiss my angel Austin