NYE 2012

Happy New year. We started the year off by having a party at our house with some close friends. Before midnight we traveled up the hill to watch the fireworks. It was perfect beginning except the cold weather. I was so glad we avoided downtown Reno and were in a warm house. Cheers to 2012!

normalcy?

Chris and I have suffered a lot this year but our marriage is very important to us and try very hard to have date nights to keep the fire in our relationship strong! Last night we took advantage of our "free time" and had dinner (qudoba, my new fav. craving) and a movie (New years eve). Chris and I are optimistic for 2012 even though he was bored to death at the movie ;) I love this quote from the movie
"...It's suspended there to remind us before we pop the champagne and celebrate the new year, to stop and reflect on the year that has gone by. To remember both our triumphs and our missteps, our promises made and broken. The times we opened ourselves up to great adventures or closed ourselves down for fear of getting hurt cuz that is what new years is all about- getting another chance. A chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more. And stop worrying about what if and start embracing what would be. So when that ball drops at midnight and it will drop, let's remember to be nice to each other, kind to each other. And not just tonight but all year long"
Here is to remembering Austin and the time we got to spend with him but we can't dwell that he isn't here. We must live our lives and always remember our little dude! xoxo love MOM

holiday greetings

Happy Holidays, from the Hawks! This year has definitely been trying but not only on us. We lost Chris' g-ma Campbell, birthed Austin 7 weeks early, lost Austin, Joplin Mo had a tornado, there was an Amtrak train crash, I-Hop shooting, air race crash, my boss found a brain tumor, co-worker has to have surgery for potential thyroid cancer, and on and on! Needless to say I am counting down the days until this horrible year is over! We hopeful 2012 will bless us with a healthy child who plans to stay around with us for our lives, so Chris and I can be grandparents and Kaylee has a little to "raise!" She longs to be a mother to someone. So cheers to the end of 2011, bring on peace, love, happiness and 2012.

A dose of winter...in Iowa

Like it or not the lives around me continue. This weekend I traveled to Iowa for many reasons. Originally I was going to meet my nephew for the first time and see my family.

Then it dawned on me that my first niece Hannah was turning 11...wow talk about flashback! I remember driving (in a blizzard) to see Hannah in the hospital the day she was born 12/10/00. Also I won't be able to see my family for Christmas so this was my time. Chris just started a new job so he couldn't go and Kaylee was in school so solo I flew (Thanks mom for flight benefits!) I got in Thursday night and to my surprise my brother Scott was there!

He came home before being sent away to Dubai as a surprise for our family. His son is adorable and they are happy to be expecting a little, fingers crossed for a girl, in June.

It was nice to spend time with my family but there is no place like home, with my family. xoxo to my Hawks Chris & Kaylee

Thanksgiving

Today is a hard day, I would love to be writing that Austin is doing...(insert cute thing here) but instead we are missing our baby. Our 7 month angel blessed us with his presence this year and for that we are VERY thankful. We have pictures, videos and memories that will forever be cherished but we miss him! I miss his smell, smile and even his cry. So this Thanksgiving we want to give thanks for our support system, our family and friends. We couldn't have survived this day/year! RIP Austin XOXO,
love Mom, Dad & Kaylee

Pregnancy & Infant loss day

Today is a day of many emotions.  5 months ago I lost the most precious gift in my world.  I have been asked to speak @ Fianna's healing garden at Renown.  I was very nervous I wouldn't be able to speak without blubbering but I did ok.  I was shaking from nerves.  Here is my speech:

In anticipation for a new baby, many mothers start the "planning."  Everything from our ideal gender, name, clothes, to profession WE think they should be as adults.  Unfortunately, we are all here because we never got that far.  Some of us lost babies before they were born, others like myself, got to hold our babies for a short time.  My name is Jackie and I lost Austin 28 short days after he was born.  He was my first child and my husbands first son.  He was our precious baby that left us far too early.  As parents when anticipating our new child we dream big and hope for the best, but as parents here today our dreams were stolen by a horrible nightmare.  We feel cheated, robbed and are left in disbelief that this child we planned our lives with is no longer here with us.  No one can ever know what we are feeling unless you have walked in our shoes.  I feel that even losing a baby before he/she is born is different then losing my son after I got to spend the time I did with him.  I got to know his smile, his cry and his smell.  I often wonder would it hurt less if I didn't know these things?  Then I picture the distraught mother who was jipped of that smile and smell.   The truth is we don't know why or how this could happen to any of us but this is the hand we have been dealt and now we must "adjust"  I say this term loosely because I don't know that any of us move on, we learn to live without the child we so desperately wanted.  If you are here today with us then you have personally gone through our rough journey as a support person or know our pain.  To that I say thank you, for supporting us and remembering our angel who left too early.  If you have not personally had to deal with this loss but are a support system you need to know how important you are.  When we lost Austin the most common response we heard was "please let me know what I can do for you."  Unfortunately in our time of grief we don't know what to think let alone how to function.  The best gestures received were the people who just did things to make us feel better.  Bringing us food so we didn't have to cook.  Making our bed so we could just sit and cry.  But the BEST therapy we could have been asked was to talk about our child.  What was Austin like?  How do you remember Austin? To that I'm sure I would have broke down in tears, but I would have remembered the monkey hat he wore most of his life.  I would have showed you the video of him watching the room with his eye while making an "O" with his lips.  I would have told you our son wailed when he was upset and to us he was the most precious baby.  Our babies may have gone far earlier then time we wanted them too, but we are thankful you are here to remember them with us today.  Thank you for letting me talk about our son, Austin Eugene Hawks who grew his wings 5 months ago on May 15, 2011  RIP <3 mom!

So upset

Today is a very hard day for me.  As I was getting ready to leave work I realized that Chris's cousin Craig and his gf Amy were going to have there baby.  At first I was very excited, Craig and I had talked about Austin and Craig (Jr.) growing up together.  Craig is a NY fan and I am a Boston fan so our baseball rivalry had also been talked about.  I posted on facebook "God, I just don't understand you!  Austin should be here to welcome his cousin."  This is how I feel for most things but I was trying to express my happiness and depression at the same time.
Later on in the day I saw that baby Craig was born and he was cute.  This made me miss Austin more, I was envious of what I missed and miss everyday! 
Then someone had the audacity to post, "Get over it Jackie, you can have another one"  EXCUSE ME, even if/when Chris and I have another child we will forever be missing our son, he is irreplaceable!  That was one of the rudest, most hurtful comments I have had to encounter during this nightmare.  I am LIVID.  I don't even know what else to say.  I am so happy for Amy & Craig but heart truly breaks for Austin, Chris and myself.  I feel so robbed.  So again, God, I DON'T understand you :(