D&C

The last 24 hours were painfully hard. The majority of my time was spent on the couch curled in a ball hoping this wasn't my life. I am very thankful for all thoughts, prayers, txt and phone calls I received. My father-in-law took me to the hospital this afternoon. I was so ready for medicine and starving from not eating all day. I also had an EKG done in the hospital and was told I have a "athletes heart" because I have sinus bradycardia...that just means its slow, other than that no worries. I figured I was paying enough money to be there why not get checked out. A friend stopped by to visit and before I knew it I was in the OR. I woke up to Chris kissing my forehead and surprisingly no pain. We got in the car to find a parking ticket (good ole Renown) and went to get food! My dad checked on me and now back to more couch time with the hubby. I'm off of work tonight and tomorrow then going to see how I feel after that...visitors welcome as bordem will set in fast I'm sure. G'night

Lord, your "bigger plan" hurts my earthly heart at times. Hug my babies for me Lord.

Another baby in heaven

From the moment you get a positive result, you are attached. I was sadly more distant with this pregnancy, don't get me wrong excited but until our ultrasound I was afraid to accept this baby. after our ultrasound I was in love and really thought this girl was going to help heal our mending heart. On Friday night I had a talk with God and begged for a healthy pregnancy, a baby that would stick around and if that wasn't this baby take her sooner then later...to my surprise Saturday I started bleeding. My friends and family were very supportive in reassuring me bleeding is "normal" although true, I was scared. I had 2 ultrasounds Sunday more then 12 hours apart and even left work early. Sometime this morning baby Hawks heart stopped beating. To say I'm as torn up as losing Austin would be a lie, he was my baby and I got to hold him, love him and he will always be the hardest loss of my life! However I am devastated. I have said many prayers and had many talks with God...for this to be the time he "listens" infuriates me! I have read your texts and fb messages but I don't know what to say so its better I just sit and cry. For those of you that have sent me msgs mad at God, pls know you're not alone. I don't want a pitty party but I also thought the tides had turned and feel betrayed by "the plan"
I'm scheduled for a D&C tomorrow afternoon, I just want this to be over with,
I'm at a loss of what to think, say or due, thank you again for your thoughts and prayers!
Austin please accept your new sister in heaven until I can love you both
Xoxo love mom

Scary!

On Saturday afternoon I started bleeding, most women never bleed but I'm one of the "lucky ones" basically I freaked myself out! Here is hoping baby Hawks and I are healthy. I received an ultrasound and baby Hawks heart was flickering away...reassuring but still scary. Now I wish the spotting would stop, it has decreased thankfully since yesterday! Grow healthy baby Hawks, you have 32 more weeks!

March of dimes

Today Kaylee and myself (and lots of Reno) walked for the annual MOD walk. The weather was perfect and we were sponsored by friends and family raising $150! A big thanks to those who donated in Austins memory :)

Afterwards we planted some flowers then went to meet baby Grayson. Have a great Saturday :)

Thursday update

How far along? 8weeks
Total weight gain/loss: -1#
Maternity clothes? no, although they are way more comfy
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Today was a sleepless day, anxious to see our new baby, could be a long night at work!
Best moment this week: Our first Dr. ultrasound
Have you told family and friends: Yes!
Miss Anything? Beer at baseball games, margaritas out on the deck :(
Food cravings: none this week
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still have to eat all the time
Have you started to show yet: A little bump so far - basically looks like I ate a few too many cupcakes
Gender prediction: Girl
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Weekly Wisdom: Go to the chiropractor! Amazing what a small adjustment does for you
Looking forward to: Finding out if we have a he or she!

Today we saw my OB and he confirmed you are a healthy baby, very reassuring to this anxious mama! You have been announced to all and we have gotten lots of positive thoughts rolling in. Please continue to cook and we will see you in LATE November! xoxo love Mom

Message to baby Hawks

Dear Baby Hawks
I write this message scared and anxious. Today is our first appointment with the doctor and I find it sad that I'm more scared than excited. As you probably know your brother is in heaven and I now live in fear of you, and everything I love being taken from me. Your dad and I want you very much, please know how much you are loved already! Everyday I grow more excited for you to come and a little more fear diminishes. I'm going to keep a journal to you and Austin. I know your brother is excited for you he sent me a rainbow this morning. Please grow healthy for the next 32 weeks and we will hold you in December! XOXO love mom

Baby Noah

On April 15th, Heaven invited another baby to play. Today was Noah's funeral and Mary Ann asked me to speak. I was unsure I would be able to get through this but knowing how Mary Ann feels I wanted to help any way I could.

"Mary Ann and I have been friends just over 5 years. We met in the beginning of my career on postpartum. She transferred to us and was eager to start her family with Andrew. Shortly after Kierra was born Mary Ann transferred to post op and working opposite schedules we didn’t get to talk much.

I excitedly called her one day to tell her I was pregnant. That was when I found out we were going to be mothers together. On March 29, 2011 I got the pleasure of taking care of my friend and baby Noah. Mary Ann was tired but glowing. She had a loving husband, her sweet girl and now a precious boy. I was still pregnant but we had planned play dates for the boys and couldn’t wait for my son to join the world. On April 17^th 2011 Austin came into the world at 33 weeks. He was early and went straight to NICU. Mary Ann was still on maternity leave and checked on me often. Sadly on May 15^th 2 days after being home Austin went to heaven. Mary Ann was a constant reminder that she was there for me. She came to my house to talk and was a shoulder to cry on. I can only hope I can be as strong for HER and HER family, as SHE has been for mine.

I know that our Angel babies are causing trouble in Heaven as they would have on earth. I’m sure Noah is happy to not have lines and “owies” He will miss you dearly but I have heard a minute on earth is like 1000 years in heaven and vice versa. He will be eager to see his family when the time comes to join him but until then he is held by God, watched by angels and already has a friend named Austin."

After my speech I broke down but proud that I remained my composure through it. People came up to me after to thank me for sharing and even wanted to say hi because I was the nurse who take care of them. I was told that Austin would be added to their prayers and all though that was not my intention, it was comfort on a very hard day.
RIP Noah & Austin!