From the moment you get a positive result, you are attached. I was sadly more distant with this pregnancy, don't get me wrong excited but until our ultrasound I was afraid to accept this baby. after our ultrasound I was in love and really thought this girl was going to help heal our mending heart. On Friday night I had a talk with God and begged for a healthy pregnancy, a baby that would stick around and if that wasn't this baby take her sooner then later...to my surprise Saturday I started bleeding. My friends and family were very supportive in reassuring me bleeding is "normal" although true, I was scared. I had 2 ultrasounds Sunday more then 12 hours apart and even left work early. Sometime this morning baby Hawks heart stopped beating. To say I'm as torn up as losing Austin would be a lie, he was my baby and I got to hold him, love him and he will always be the hardest loss of my life! However I am devastated. I have said many prayers and had many talks with God...for this to be the time he "listens" infuriates me! I have read your texts and fb messages but I don't know what to say so its better I just sit and cry. For those of you that have sent me msgs mad at God, pls know you're not alone. I don't want a pitty party but I also thought the tides had turned and feel betrayed by "the plan"
I'm scheduled for a D&C tomorrow afternoon, I just want this to be over with,
I'm at a loss of what to think, say or due, thank you again for your thoughts and prayers!
Austin please accept your new sister in heaven until I can love you both
Xoxo love mom
Jackie, This must be such a hard time for you and the fam. You are so strong and I know that no words can change the powerful emotions you are experiencing, but I do know you have a plethora of friends there for you and that will only help you become stronger. I am so glad you have a blog to remember all things and record these powerful emotions, both happy and sad. Prayers are coming your way.
ReplyDeleteStevie