South Carolina

Amanda, Emily, Grace, Rosemary all came out to meet me for drinks in MSP prior to heading to SC :)

Fried green tomatoes :)

Atlantic ocean blowing our hair a MESS

pineapple fountain

boiled peanuts

my mom said she would take me away so I didnt have to be home for mothers day.  I flew to Minneapolis and my amazing sisters meet up with me.  we caught up on life and laughed...a lot!

Mom enjoying a margarita

no more baby

Last Thursday I was so excited to tell EVERYONE about our new baby, we had a video of a "healthy baby" and our Dr was very optimistic. 1 week later we are again baby less, I have higher BP and sinus bradycardia. I feel defeated, physically I feel fine but emotionally I'm torn up. When is God going to bless us with good news and let us ENJOY it without taking away our happiness!?! I've been on the couch the majority of the week recovering but my heart is shredded on the ground with grief.

D&C

The last 24 hours were painfully hard. The majority of my time was spent on the couch curled in a ball hoping this wasn't my life. I am very thankful for all thoughts, prayers, txt and phone calls I received. My father-in-law took me to the hospital this afternoon. I was so ready for medicine and starving from not eating all day. I also had an EKG done in the hospital and was told I have a "athletes heart" because I have sinus bradycardia...that just means its slow, other than that no worries. I figured I was paying enough money to be there why not get checked out. A friend stopped by to visit and before I knew it I was in the OR. I woke up to Chris kissing my forehead and surprisingly no pain. We got in the car to find a parking ticket (good ole Renown) and went to get food! My dad checked on me and now back to more couch time with the hubby. I'm off of work tonight and tomorrow then going to see how I feel after that...visitors welcome as bordem will set in fast I'm sure. G'night

Lord, your "bigger plan" hurts my earthly heart at times. Hug my babies for me Lord.

Another baby in heaven

From the moment you get a positive result, you are attached. I was sadly more distant with this pregnancy, don't get me wrong excited but until our ultrasound I was afraid to accept this baby. after our ultrasound I was in love and really thought this girl was going to help heal our mending heart. On Friday night I had a talk with God and begged for a healthy pregnancy, a baby that would stick around and if that wasn't this baby take her sooner then later...to my surprise Saturday I started bleeding. My friends and family were very supportive in reassuring me bleeding is "normal" although true, I was scared. I had 2 ultrasounds Sunday more then 12 hours apart and even left work early. Sometime this morning baby Hawks heart stopped beating. To say I'm as torn up as losing Austin would be a lie, he was my baby and I got to hold him, love him and he will always be the hardest loss of my life! However I am devastated. I have said many prayers and had many talks with God...for this to be the time he "listens" infuriates me! I have read your texts and fb messages but I don't know what to say so its better I just sit and cry. For those of you that have sent me msgs mad at God, pls know you're not alone. I don't want a pitty party but I also thought the tides had turned and feel betrayed by "the plan"
I'm scheduled for a D&C tomorrow afternoon, I just want this to be over with,
I'm at a loss of what to think, say or due, thank you again for your thoughts and prayers!
Austin please accept your new sister in heaven until I can love you both
Xoxo love mom

Scary!

On Saturday afternoon I started bleeding, most women never bleed but I'm one of the "lucky ones" basically I freaked myself out! Here is hoping baby Hawks and I are healthy. I received an ultrasound and baby Hawks heart was flickering away...reassuring but still scary. Now I wish the spotting would stop, it has decreased thankfully since yesterday! Grow healthy baby Hawks, you have 32 more weeks!

March of dimes

Today Kaylee and myself (and lots of Reno) walked for the annual MOD walk. The weather was perfect and we were sponsored by friends and family raising $150! A big thanks to those who donated in Austins memory :)

Afterwards we planted some flowers then went to meet baby Grayson. Have a great Saturday :)

Thursday update

How far along? 8weeks
Total weight gain/loss: -1#
Maternity clothes? no, although they are way more comfy
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Today was a sleepless day, anxious to see our new baby, could be a long night at work!
Best moment this week: Our first Dr. ultrasound
Have you told family and friends: Yes!
Miss Anything? Beer at baseball games, margaritas out on the deck :(
Food cravings: none this week
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still have to eat all the time
Have you started to show yet: A little bump so far - basically looks like I ate a few too many cupcakes
Gender prediction: Girl
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Weekly Wisdom: Go to the chiropractor! Amazing what a small adjustment does for you
Looking forward to: Finding out if we have a he or she!

Today we saw my OB and he confirmed you are a healthy baby, very reassuring to this anxious mama! You have been announced to all and we have gotten lots of positive thoughts rolling in. Please continue to cook and we will see you in LATE November! xoxo love Mom