Pregnancy & Infant loss day

Today is a day of many emotions.  5 months ago I lost the most precious gift in my world.  I have been asked to speak @ Fianna's healing garden at Renown.  I was very nervous I wouldn't be able to speak without blubbering but I did ok.  I was shaking from nerves.  Here is my speech:

In anticipation for a new baby, many mothers start the "planning."  Everything from our ideal gender, name, clothes, to profession WE think they should be as adults.  Unfortunately, we are all here because we never got that far.  Some of us lost babies before they were born, others like myself, got to hold our babies for a short time.  My name is Jackie and I lost Austin 28 short days after he was born.  He was my first child and my husbands first son.  He was our precious baby that left us far too early.  As parents when anticipating our new child we dream big and hope for the best, but as parents here today our dreams were stolen by a horrible nightmare.  We feel cheated, robbed and are left in disbelief that this child we planned our lives with is no longer here with us.  No one can ever know what we are feeling unless you have walked in our shoes.  I feel that even losing a baby before he/she is born is different then losing my son after I got to spend the time I did with him.  I got to know his smile, his cry and his smell.  I often wonder would it hurt less if I didn't know these things?  Then I picture the distraught mother who was jipped of that smile and smell.   The truth is we don't know why or how this could happen to any of us but this is the hand we have been dealt and now we must "adjust"  I say this term loosely because I don't know that any of us move on, we learn to live without the child we so desperately wanted.  If you are here today with us then you have personally gone through our rough journey as a support person or know our pain.  To that I say thank you, for supporting us and remembering our angel who left too early.  If you have not personally had to deal with this loss but are a support system you need to know how important you are.  When we lost Austin the most common response we heard was "please let me know what I can do for you."  Unfortunately in our time of grief we don't know what to think let alone how to function.  The best gestures received were the people who just did things to make us feel better.  Bringing us food so we didn't have to cook.  Making our bed so we could just sit and cry.  But the BEST therapy we could have been asked was to talk about our child.  What was Austin like?  How do you remember Austin? To that I'm sure I would have broke down in tears, but I would have remembered the monkey hat he wore most of his life.  I would have showed you the video of him watching the room with his eye while making an "O" with his lips.  I would have told you our son wailed when he was upset and to us he was the most precious baby.  Our babies may have gone far earlier then time we wanted them too, but we are thankful you are here to remember them with us today.  Thank you for letting me talk about our son, Austin Eugene Hawks who grew his wings 5 months ago on May 15, 2011  RIP <3 mom!

So upset

Today is a very hard day for me.  As I was getting ready to leave work I realized that Chris's cousin Craig and his gf Amy were going to have there baby.  At first I was very excited, Craig and I had talked about Austin and Craig (Jr.) growing up together.  Craig is a NY fan and I am a Boston fan so our baseball rivalry had also been talked about.  I posted on facebook "God, I just don't understand you!  Austin should be here to welcome his cousin."  This is how I feel for most things but I was trying to express my happiness and depression at the same time.
Later on in the day I saw that baby Craig was born and he was cute.  This made me miss Austin more, I was envious of what I missed and miss everyday! 
Then someone had the audacity to post, "Get over it Jackie, you can have another one"  EXCUSE ME, even if/when Chris and I have another child we will forever be missing our son, he is irreplaceable!  That was one of the rudest, most hurtful comments I have had to encounter during this nightmare.  I am LIVID.  I don't even know what else to say.  I am so happy for Amy & Craig but heart truly breaks for Austin, Chris and myself.  I feel so robbed.  So again, God, I DON'T understand you :(

Advocare day 1

So on top of losing my baby, I have a c/s scar and retained the weight from my pregnancy.  Time for change so I am doing the 24 day challenge from advocare.  I have been watching my calories for the past few weeks and lost a couple of pounds but just I am ready to be in better shape and lose the rest of this extra bulge on my body.  Wish me luck!

3 years!

Today Chris and I have been together for 3 years; We have definitely had our ups and downs; but we are very great full for each other and the never ending support we need from one another. We had previously met and talked but on Sept 13, 2008 we had our first date. Chris took me to Wild River Grille and we had the usual first date "talk" but it was different. We clicked! After we walked down by the river and listened to a group that was playing. We had a beer at the Tap House and were enthralled in each others company. We were not ready for the night to end so we walked to Harrah's outdoor theater and listed to more bands. We ended the night with a perfect kiss and our fate was sealed. Together forever! :)

Working postpartum

Tonight was hard.  For the most part I have been ok at work.  Some nights are definitely harder then others.  For instance tonight I had to take a pt to NICU.  She was giving the baby up for adoption.  I mustard up the courage because I don't like going down there but we were busy and I just took her.  I bawled the entire way back to the floor.  I just don't understand how God can let some people who 1. don't want babies 2. don't care about there babies 3. mistreat there babies and get to have more or continue to be bad moms.  Unfortunately I see this way too much.  I loved my job but it is getting harder to be here and not have anything to look forward too.  Almost every night I'm here someone asks how my baby is and I have to tell them he passed away and try to maintain my composure.  I really need some positive vibes from God and i'm getting frustrated waiting...

And the answer is...

Today I met with Dr. Clark who is the medical examiner that performed Austin's autopsy. Basically she had no more answers then the day he died as to why Austin left us. She can't say Austin suffocated but also has no conclusion as to why he died. It was horrible sitting in the room talking about Austin's death knowing I still have NO answers. We also went over the photos taken per my request. It may sound morbid but I have very few pictures of Austin without tubes and stuff on his face, I was hoping for something to make me understand but got no where. Thankfully Danielle came with me because Chris couldn't mentally take it. I am SO frustrated and just want to know why God thought Austin couldn't stay with me...

Back to work

Chris has been back to work for awhile now but I had some time off originally for maternity leave.  When Austin died I was in no rush to get back to it; Also it is Kaylee's summer break and we had planned vacations so I stayed away.  I have been contemplating changing units because I didn't know if I could handle going back to work with new moms and babies but have not found a new job that I thought would make me happy. 
I called my mom on the way in and of course was crying.  I made it to the parking lot and through the doors teary eyed but ok, until I saw a friend who is going back to school.  As she hugged me and wished me luck I broke down.  I wasn't sure I would maintain my composer throughout the night but I survived.  I had 4 very nice couplets 1 being a co-worker.  Crystal stayed another night to try to get some rest so I took MaKayla and held her for awhile.  She is so cute and loves to be held ;)   around 5 I walked down to the NICU, the last time I was here I was bringing Austin home so I knew I would be emotional but wanted to see if someone was working.  She was a colleague before I delivered Austin but became a friend while he was in NICU.  She was gone and as other came to see how I was doing I began to cry again.  I am not embarrassed or ashamed to cry anymore so I just let it come.  I know it is "normal" and I want people to know that even though I am going through the motions, I am still mourning the loss of my baby.  People continue to comment on how strong and inspirational I am but I'm just trying to adjust to this new life.  Chris and I were so ready to have Austin home with us and start our extended family.  He brought so much joy to our lives in such a short time, we miss him dearly.  I left work this morning and am still unsure of staying in postpartum or transferring but all I can do is go through the motions...